As a kid, I grew up going to church fairly routinely but I remember just waiting for the day I was old enough to tell my parents I wasn’t going so I could sleep in. To me, there was no real point to church. It was waking up earlier than necessary on a weekend just to go sit in some hard wooden pew, sing some meaningless songs (that put me to sleep anyway), put on a fake smile to greet others, and go home an hour later where the smiles dissolved and arguments arose. I remember feeling really misunderstood as a kid, and because of that, I was just kind of a jerk to people. I made fun of people, I picked fights with other kids, I cussed like crazy (as a fifth grader?!); I was just a real punk. At the time, God really had no bearing on my life – I believed He existed, but it seemed just as some mythical creature in the sky.
Middle school came and went. To this day, I’m convinced the junior high years are the hardest years of life. I was a total loser in junior high. I had a small handful of friends who I betrayed (multiple times) to try and fit in with the “popular group.” I had put being popular on such a pedestal; I thought if I were in the “popular group,” my life would be so much more fulfilled. Toward the end of 8th grade, I actually began to soften a bit and started making friends.
By the time high school began, I somehow had made it into being friends with the “popular” girls. It was cool for awhile, but nothing like I thought it would be. I still felt misunderstood, I still felt pretty aggressive, and I still felt pretty empty at the core.
During my freshman year, I randomly became fascinated with the story of Columbine High School. I had heard stories come out of girls like Cassie Bernall and Rachel Joy Scott who, with a gun in their face, refused to deny God and their faith in Him. For these students, they were living for something so fully they would die for it. This began to raise questions in my own mind about God, and all of the sudden, I had a real desire to live for something bigger than myself. I remember distinctly committing myself to start reading the Bible every night; I wanted to find out for myself what this “God thing” was about – what He said, how He acted, why people loved Him, etc.
Reading the Bible (for about a year or so) created in me a real desire to become a Christian, but I didn’t know how. I had been to church, but I never really heard what it meant to “accept Christ,” I even wondered if maybe I had become a Christian without knowing it – does that just happen by reading the Bible? I was too embarrassed to ask anyone about it, so for about a year, I just tried being a good person and thought that’s what it meant. Finally, during my junior year, I attended a friend’s youth group, where I heard that being a Christian was about having a personal relationship with God. I learned that, way back in the day, there was this mandate set that basically said, the only way a sin can be paid for is by death. I learned God Himself put on skin (came as Jesus) to walk the earth, lived a perfect life while here, and died for people’s sins. As a sinner myself, Jesus came to pay for my sins so that if I were to trust Him as my only way to know God, I could be saved (spared from hell). Finally, after two years of searching, I had heard how to become a Christian.
While I had accepted Christ during the middle of my junior year, it wasn’t until the very end of my senior year where I decided to surrender every area of my life to God. It was through the death of my friend’s older brother, that I made a conscious decision I wanted to live my life in a way that was pleasing to God. I distinctly remember sitting in Nate’s funeral, hearing stories about this guy who so desired to live his life to serve God and to show others to Him. I wanted the same things to be said at my funeral. I now desired to leave a legacy, not that spoke of how many friends I had, but of how I lived every breath to please God.
As freshman year of college rolled around, God had already started giving me a heart to see students on my campus know Him. I remember praying for my roommate (before I even met her), praying for the girls on my floor, praying for the Christian organizations on campus, and just praying that God would even strengthen me in these 4 years. I got involved with Campus Crusade for Christ (Cru.) right away, and through this organization, I met real people learning to have real walks with God. To these students, God wasn’t just an accessory (like I had seen in so many others’ lives and mine, as well), He was everything. I started learning what it looked like to walk faithfully with God on my own two feet. I can recall being incredibly challenged by my professors during college as they refuted the claims of Christ and taught that truth is relative. I was challenged, too, by many of my friends who weren’t believers, as they asked the tough questions (many of which I never had answers to). Despite the challenges, or maybe because of the challenges, I deepened my walk with God and my desire to see students know Him. Some of my favorite nights at school were the ones where my friend (Emma) and I would stay up until 6:00 a.m. just dreaming about our vision for the campus and how to reach every student with the gospel.
After sophomore year, I decided to go on a Summer Project with Campus Crusade to Wildwood, NJ for 10 weeks. This summer absolutely changed my life. For 10 weeks, I shared in some of the most authentic community I’ve ever experienced, I learned how to share my faith effectively and relevantly, I opened up to others more than ever before – letting them see some of my deepest hurts and wounds, I made some of my dearest friends, I dug deeper into the Bible than I ever had, I experienced the Lord not only give me a heart to reach my campus with the gospel, but also the nations, etc.
It was during this summer where I was first challenged to join staff with Campus Crusade. I distinctly remember sitting in a gazebo on the beach with my disciplers (Ellen and Liz), as they laid out reasons they believed I would be a good fit on staff. My heart came alive at the thought of getting to spend the best hours of my day and best years of my life, reaching college students with the life-changing message of the gospel. “This is what I want to do,” I thought. However, for quite awhile, it seemed I didn’t believe staff would be realistic for me. I didn’t think I’d be “good enough,” I didn’t think I could raise support, I knew my parents would not support the idea, etc. Finally, God broke through these walls I was putting up against joining staff, and led me to a decision of doing so. During my Summer Project in Mumbai, India (after my junior year), God clinched the deal, using my friend to Jill, to call me to staff. I realized if I didn’t join staff, I would be blatantly disobeying God’s call.
Today, I’m still just a mess in need of grace. I still struggle and I still screw up and it all can be pretty ugly at times. I once heard, though, that grace is an invitation to be beautiful. For that, I’m thankful. God continues to refine me, change me and revive this heart that was once dead. I’m humbled and honored that God would decide to use messes, like you and I, to display the beauty of Himself in this broken world. I am EXCITED to get to do this on college campuses and around the world!
